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[personal profile] caedesdeo
Title: Watching you forget.
Rating: G
Warnings: Angst.
Summary: Sirius catches Remus watching him, and reacts badly to why.
Disclaimer: None of this is mine.
A/N: This is the result of me pondering over what would happen if one of the pups didn't return the feelings of the other. So, unrequited R/S is the result.

( Fake cut to the story )

It’s sometime during their fourth year when Sirius notices Remus watching him. It’s very surreptitious, and also very practiced with a slight edge to it that worries him. He hasn’t seen Remus look at anyone else that way, although it’s a look he may have noticed being directed toward very large bars of fine chocolate.
It worries him enough that he mentions it to James, which gets a ‘what, you’ve only just noticed this now?’ sort of look.
“How long has he been watching me?” James snorts with laughter.
“Mate, he’s always been watching you. Ever since you burst into his compartment on the train and fell over your own feet, he’s watched you.” Sirius flushes at the reminder of the rare moment when his grace failed him.
”But not like this?” James thinks, and then shakes his head.
“Nope, that’s pretty new. Look, just ask him about it. It’s Moony for Circe’s sake, what harm could it do?” He regretted saying that, later.


The first time Sirius catches Remus watching him and calls him on it, the werewolf looks vaguely abashed and tells him that his hair is stuck up at the back. Sirius runs his hands through it and finds that it isn’t, but Remus has already looked back down at his notes.


The second time is some days later, at lunch. This time he pokes Remus, and jokingly asks if he has food on his face. Before Remus can answer, Peter drops custard on Lily and an almighty food fight begins. Thoroughly distracted, Sirius forgets his question.


“Why do you watch me like that?” Remus dropped his book in surprise at Sirius’s question, having failed to hear the other boy come into the dorm.
“I, uh, what?” This time he’d been caught off guard, and can feel the flush spreading up his cheeks as Sirius just stared down at him, uncharacteristically solemn.
“Why. Are. You. Watching. Me? You know I don’t like to constantly have eyes on me; I have enough of that at home. Look mate, it can’t be that bad.” Sirius crouched down, making his face level with Remus’s. Remus swallowed, and muttered something that Sirius didn’t catch.
“What? Speak up!” Remus didn’t want to be saying this, hadn’t wanted his friend to find out. But he knew, knew with an unsettling certainty, that once Sirius had gotten his teeth set into a subject, he’d never let it go. He’d see through Remus’s lies, he’d not accept any more misdirection, and all that left was telling him the truth.
“I said I love you.” The utterly pole-axed expression on Sirius’s face was enough to make his heart sink. He wasn’t even joking about how it was his irresistible charm, making light of it like when the others teased him. He was just staring at Remus, staring like he was some strange, completely unrecognisable new creature that Sirius didn’t know how to deal with.
The instant Remus opened his mouth, to apologise, to explain, to stutter, Sirius was up and running out of the door so fast Remus only realised it when the door slammed shut again.


Sirius avoided Remus for three days after that, causing him to sink deeper and deeper into the deep and unshakeable certainty that he’d managed to completely and utterly bollocks things up to a magnificent degree. It was only on the third night, two days before the full moon and a time when Remus was antsy anyway, that Sirius approached him.
He’d been curled up on a sofa in the common room, trying to read having long since given up on sleep. A noise from the doorway caught his attention, and he looked up to see Sirius staring at him, face unreadable.
“I can’t feel the same for you.” His voice startled Remus, loud in the quiet room yet utterly subdued for Sirius. He didn’t come any closer, but rather turned his attention to his feet, studying them intently.
“I don’t like blokes, and even if I did…Remus, you’re one of my best mates, I’d not risk anything with you that’d damage that.” Remus laughed, a vaguely hollow sound.
“Too late, I’d say.” Sirius did look at him now, and it’s a look of regret and confusion and the tiniest, buried trace of disgust. Above all things, a Black must continue the lineage and any act that may not lead to a child is an abomination. Despite being disowned, despite his protestations, Sirius is still a Black. Remus swallowed, the sinking feeling in his stomach erupting into a throat-tightening pain. To see that emotion on his friend’s face, to see it were nothing else had put it broke something inside him. Remus started to hear Sirius speaking again.
“…Don’t know how to make things right, if only I could just forget you said anything.” Forget…
“Sirius?” Broken mid-sentence, he looked up into Remus’s pointed wand.


Two days later, Sirius sent Snape to the Whomping Willow to be killed. And afterwards, if Remus was ever caught staring at Sirius again, well. He had a reason now, and none of the others ever questioned it.
If only he could have forgotten, too.


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June 2011

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